GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
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“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?