I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
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Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.