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Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
adam and eve had first world problems
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
S/o to @funTweeters .
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.