How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
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Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.