I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”