[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
You Might Also Like
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*