PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
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The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.