Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
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“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
ok like just. call me at this point
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.