Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
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Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”