“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
You Might Also Like
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Ferrari squats
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk