A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
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Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Breaking news:
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Ha
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.