Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
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alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Here’s a meme
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I think about this a lot
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower