Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
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“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Oh boy, $150,000!
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”