Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
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I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!