I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Love is always patient and kind.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
my one true gender