I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
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Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
This week’s mood.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.