[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Bring back the McRib
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.