PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
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A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.