Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
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I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
That’s incredible! 👌
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.