Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
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Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Pot warmers of the day.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.