Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
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Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit