Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
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Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Happy thanksgiving
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?