cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
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If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!