I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
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A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.