Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
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If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?