mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
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If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
This classic never gets old . . .
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
When you’ve simply given up.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.