30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
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Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.