She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
You Might Also Like
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
don’t we all
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.