My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
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Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Are we there yet?…
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
i smell a pulitzer
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap