[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
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I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”