My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
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(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
So we got a goldfish…
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*