*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
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Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?