yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
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doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Eat…
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.