This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
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Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does