Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
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We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”