(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
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7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.