I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
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Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
When someone trying to leave me
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.