{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
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“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…