His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
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*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I am HOWLING at this
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?