dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
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People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
termite twitter scares me
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
very niche meme I made
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.