My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
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Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness