saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
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He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.