“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
You Might Also Like
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
this is me
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*