police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
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Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I鈥檇 like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
relationship goals
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Guy in front of me at McDonald鈥檚: I鈥檒l take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON鈥橳 KNOW ABOUT?
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you鈥檝e made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug