You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
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Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.