My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
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my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
my retirement plan is braless
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
*bites zombie*
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry