Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
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I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.