[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
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Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )