Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
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Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”