I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
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watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
huge if true: the moon
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya